


I've Been A Stranger Lately

by chchchchcherrybomb



Series: The Desperate Type [8]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, BPD Connor Murphy, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, Familia bonding over James Cameron's Titantic, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Murphy family angst, RMS Titanic, The Desperate Type, The Desperate Type universe, The Murphys have a lot feelings about Titanic okay?, The entire Murphy family needs some god damn therapy, oh sidebar look who is making BPD Connor canon in the TDT universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 20:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12895824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chchchchcherrybomb/pseuds/chchchchcherrybomb
Summary: The thing was… her dad was icing her out lately.Zoe liked to pretend she didn’t understand why, but. She knew. She’d always known. There were sides in this house, in this family.  If you switched sides… well. The thing was that you weren’t allowed to switch sides. There was no going back once you chose a side. And Zoe had just spit in the face of all of those rules.Following the rules might have meant losing Connor for good, and since the fall that. It wasn’t an option. She wasn’t willing to let that happen. She didn’t even totally understand why. He was still an asshole.But she didn’t want him dead and for Zoe that was reason enough to bail on the Zoe and Larry vs Connor vs Cynthia cage match that had been their lives since she was in middle school.Zoe and her dad, well. They had been close. For years they had been close. They did stuff together. And now he spoke to her in short bursts and never met her eye. Zoe hated it.----The Desperate Type Universe, set in the Spring Epilogue





	I've Been A Stranger Lately

Alana Beck was far, far more adventurous than Zoe might have pegged her upon their first meeting. Zoe knew she was the type who listed out her entire day in a planner. Alana was the type who took five AP classes and was first chair in the orchestra. 

She was also, apparently, the type who would ask Zoe if her parents or brother were home, and upon hearing the word “no,” would straddle Zoe right there on the sofa in her family’s living room. 

“Holy shit,” Zoe breathed before Alana silenced her with a kiss. They made out for a while, Alana’s hands in Zoe’s hair, Zoe’s hands tentatively tracing Alana’s sides. 

“I think we should go up to your bedroom,” Alana said, kissing her way down Zoe’s neck. Zoe nodded frantically, practically falling in her haste to pull Alana up the stairs. 

Alana, naturally, was insanely practical about the whole thing. She detailed her entire sexual history to Zoe (she’d been fingered by a girl at one of her summer internships, but she had been tested since and was clean), and warned Zoe that she wasn’t always able to achieve orgasm because of the antidepressant she was taking. 

Zoe liked things with Alana. They weren’t always easy, but they were always… better. Better than being alone. 

Alana was weird. In a good way, a great way. 

At least, Zoe had thought she liked her because for whatever reason, Alana didn’t hate Connor. And that was rare, so Zoe immediately wanted to befriend her. 

But then after the stuff that happened in October, when Alana had taken her to that support group and talked to her about starting Sincerely, Me…

Well.

* * *

 

After, Zoe felt like everyone who looked at her could just tell she had had sex. She felt like she had accidentally strapped a neon sign to her forehead, and then spent a considerable amount of time wondering whether or not she would still be considered a virgin. She even texted Evan, her only bisexual ally, to get his thoughts on the matter. 

“I’d definitely say you’re not a virgin?” He had texted her back. “But I think, maybe, that’s like… your call? I dunno. Do you want me to google it? I wish there was a handbook.”

No help. 

Supportive and wonderful, but literally no help at all. It was endearing as hell. If he wasn’t sucking face with her brother, Zoe might have still nursed a crush on Evan. 

But at any rate, Zoe felt like everyone who looked at her instantly knew that Alana Beck had seen her naked. And that made her face burn and her heart race. She hated that idea. She hated the idea of random people, strangers, knowing her business. 

And then there was the matter of people who mattered knowing her business. 

That made her skin crawl. 

Like, she caught Connor looking at her at the dinner table and immediately snapped “ _ What _ ?”

Connor blinked in surprise. “Nothing?”

“Why are you looking at me?”

He furrowed his brow. “I… wasn’t? I was… ” He pointed sort of awkwardly at the salad dressing bottle sitting between them. “I was reading the label of the salad dressing? There’s like… a lot of sodium in that... “ He looked super embarrassed that she had drawn attention to that. “Sorry,” Connor mumbled. 

“What the fuck ever,” she snapped, not feeling super charitable today. Connor raised his eyebrows at her, a silent  _ “The fuck?” _ from across the table, but she wasn’t having it. Zoe rolled her eyes, setting down her fork with a bit more force than necessary and shoving away her plate. 

“Zoe,” her dad said, his voice detached. A half hearted admonishment. He was looking at his phone, reading something that was making his brows furrow. 

She glared at him, but he didn’t seem to notice. 

He didn’t look at her these days. 

The thing was… her dad was icing her out lately. Suddenly their interactions were short, limited to comments like “language” and “ _ Zoe _ ” and “that’s enough.” If left alone at the same time, her dad would leave the room. 

A monosyllabic relationship.

It was the same way he spoke to her brother, which sat poorly with Zoe.

In part because she hated the way he was talking to her. It sucked. 

In part because, well… it was hard enough for  _ her _ to handle, and she didn’t have… Whatever was the matter with Connor going on with her. It had to suck more for him. Right? If he was already struggling, the patented Larry Murphy Ice Treatment had to… really suck. That made Zoe’s guts twist in discomfort. For the last two years, Zoe had wholeheartedly supported their dad’s efforts to treat Connor like the monster he was. 

Only. 

Surprise. 

Apparently, when push came to shove, Zoe didn’t actually think that about her brother.

If she had, she’d have left him swinging a minute longer…

Zoe blinked hard, shaking her head, trying to rid herself of the picture of Connor hanging there, already limp but thankfully not dead.. 

Zoe shook her head and looked at Larry. 

Fucking Larry. 

She never used to think of him that way. 

He had, in fact, left Connor there. He broke down the door and then stood there, eyes big, not moving, while Zoe screamed “DO SOMETHING” and eventually climbed up on Connor’s desk herself. 

He dad barely looked at her anymore. 

Zoe didn’t say anything about it, but it appeared that their years long alliance had broken down in the months since the fall. 

Zoe liked to pretend she didn’t understand why, but… well. She knew. She’d always known. There were sides in this house, in this family.  If you switched sides… well.  The thing was that you weren’t allowed to switch sides. There was no going back once you chose a side.

And Zoe had just spit in the face of all of those rules. 

Following the rules might have meant losing Connor for good, and since the fall that. It wasn’t an option. She wasn’t willing to let that happen. She didn’t even totally understand why. He was still an asshole. 

But she didn’t want him dead and for Zoe that was reason enough to bail on the Zoe and Larry vs Connor vs Cynthia cage match that had been their lives since she was in middle school.

Zoe and her dad, well. They had been close. For years they had been close. 

They did stuff together. 

And now he spoke to her in short bursts and never met her eye. 

Zoe hated it. Things were still really hard at home, a lot of the time. The last time Connor had been hospitalized, Zoe only found out about it when she saw the blood on the kitchen floor. Her dad hadn’t called or explained, and when he got home he just started to scrub up the mess while Zoe totally freaked out. 

 

“What happened?” 

Her dad was methodically rolling up his sleeves. “Your brother is very sick.”

“Yeah,  _ no shit _ ,” Zoe said, her throat closing too tight. “What happened...Is he dead?” 

“No. He’s in the hospital. He tried to cut his wrists and your mother found him.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

He filled a bucket with bleach and a little dish soap. 

“Is mom with him? Does Evan know? Will he be okay?”

Her dad rung out a rag. “He’ll be fine. Mom’s with him.”

“Dad…why didn’t you tell me?” She… she didn’t love that her mom hadn’t called either, but seeing as she was dealing with Connor, Zoe figured, well, she got a pass for the time being. Her dad should have called her. He knew and didn’t tell her. He shut her out. He was shutting down. 

He started to wipe away the blood on the floor. 

Her mom arrived home a few minutes later, and Zoe flung herself at her then. Her mom held her and explained what happened. Zoe spent the next few days hanging on to her mom like a little kid. 

The official switching of the sides.

* * *

“Hey,” Alana said one evening when she and Zoe sat in Alana’s bedroom. Alana had just finished painting Zoe’s nails after deciding that Zoe’s cuticles were “tragic” and giving her an impromptu manicure.

“Hay is for horses,” Zoe quipped, looking down at the pretty teal polish Alana had put on  her fingers. Alana liked teal. A lot. Zoe was thinking of dyeing her whole head of hair teal, just for Alana.  

Alana smiled at her. Alana had the best smile when she really meant it. Relaxed and real and ever so slightly crooked. Zoe was just… so gay for Alana. It was almost a tragedy. 

“Can I ask you something?”

Zoe shrugged. 

“Why… why don’t we ever go to your house when your family is there?” Alana asked. 

“We do.”

“Well... yeah, but.. Not really. Your mom and Connor, sometimes, but, well. Never when your dad is home.”

“Oh.”

“Are you…?” Alana looked down at her bedspread. “Are you embarrassed? Of me?” She bit her lip, and then, it was like an unstoppable wave of anxiety, “Is, it’s not that your dad is like, a racist or something right? Or your mom? God, I don’t even know what I would do if I was dating the daughter of a racist, you know, I because obviously our value systems come from our parents and I just-”

“I’m not embarrassed of you,” Zoe said. “And my dad’s… To my knowledge his idiocy tends to be more on the homophobic side of things.”

“Oh,” Alana said. “I. But. Connor…?”

Zoe shook her head. “We just. Don’t talk about it. Ever.”

“So you’re not out to your family?”

Zoe shook her head. “Just Connor.”

Alana nodded. “I mean. I can. Adjust to that. I don’t want to force you to come out if you aren’t ready, but I would like to, you know, get to know your parents. See you with your family. It seems like a big part of you that I’m missing out on and I-”

“No.”

Alana’s eyes went wide. “No?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“But…” Alana looked utterly crestfallen and Zoe hated it. “Why?”

“Because,” Zoe said, and it took all of her strength not to start anxiously picking at her brand new nail polish. “Because if you see how fucked up everything is, you won’t… you won’t want to date me anymore.”

Alana shook her head. “That’s not true. And I mean… I know a lot about your brother’s, er, mental health struggles. I think I can handle it.”

Zoe shook her head, and to her absolute horror realized she was crying. “You can’t. I… I can’t. It’s. It’s not just the stuff with Connor, it’s… It’s just. The whole thing is fucked, okay, and I don’t want you to see it.”

“Zoe…”

“If you see it, you’ll hate me… because I’m not. I’m a shitty kid and a bad sister and my dad and I are barely talking and….”

“Zoe I don’t think that’s true.”

Zoe hiccuped. “I. My dad and I are. Or we were. Really close. Especially when shit got bad, with Connor... “ She shook her head. “I…”

“You can tell me.”

“I think… I think he’s mad at me.”

Alana waited patiently for her to continue. 

“I think he’s angry because at the beginning of the year, Connor tried to hang himself in his bedroom… and I….” This noise came out of her, one she couldn’t process or explain, and she was just weeping into the curve of Alana’s neck, sobbing like a baby while her girlfriend rubbed her back and let her cry. She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t form the words. “I just don’t want you to see how fucked up everything at home is, okay? Is that okay?”

“Of course.”

* * *

 

Zoe was fifteen. Zoe knew things were bad when her mom dragged Connor into the car at seven in the morning the day after he chucked a kitchen chair at her and then threatened to break down her bedroom door and kill her. 

But she knew things had drastically changed when her dad took an unexpected half day from work and arrived home at noon to take her out to lunch. 

Zoe was still shaken from the night before. Her nerves were shot. She kept checking her phone, terrified that somehow one of her friends knew that her brother was a psychopath who had tried to kill her. She kept crying at random intervals, unable to pinpoint exactly why. She knew Connor was crazy, she knew he was violent, none of this was news but she just... couldn't stop crying. 

So when her dad walked in at noon, insisting they go out to lunch, her immediate thought was that this was it. Her parents were breaking up. She’d have to pick a side…

For years, when they were younger, she had worried about only seeing Connor at Christmas if their parents split… Now, Zoe felt almost hopeful at the thought. She could imagine weeks and months stretching out ahead of her without someone screaming at her to quit playing her guitar or calling her a bitch for doing something like checking her phone. Weeks and months of a Connor free existence… maybe there was even the chance that they could go to different schools...

Zoe didn’t know when she’d started to hate him, but she did. She had, for a while. She hated him. He looked at her and she knew he could tell and she didn’t even care. 

Her dad took her out for pizza that day. He let Zoe pick the toppings and order an appetizer. Her dad usually didn’t believe in appetizers, always claiming they were a way to waste money since then you had less room for the main dish. But today he insisted they try out the eggplant parmesan fries.They spent the whole meal talking about the music camp at a local college she was going away to for two weeks at the start of July. 

“It’s going to be a lot of classical, which is, you know, different. Since I’ve mostly done jazz. I’ll have to practice a little harder on my acoustic guitar… It’ll be really different.”

“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it right away.”

Zoe smiled at her dad. “There’s, like, a big showcase at the end of camp?” She said it almost sheepishly. “Parents and stuff can come… you know. And watch. Watch us play.”

“What day?” Her dad was pulling out his blackberry. 

“You don’t… you don’t have to come. I know you’re busy, and mom said she would tape it...”

“What day, Zoe?” He smiled. It looked real. 

It was. Nice. A relief. She told him the date, and she watched him put it into his phone. 

After lunch, her dad insisted they swing by A La Mode for ice cream, which Zoe thought was maybe a little bit overkill but didn’t complain because. 

Well. 

Her brother had lost his mind and said he was going to kill her. 

And Zoe. Believed him.

At the very least, she might as well get ice cream out of it. She and her dad had a shared hatred of mint chocolate chip and a shared love of dark chocolate cherry. They each splurged for a waffle cone, and her dad sat outside with Zoe, smiling while she laughed at the ridiculous image of Larry Murphy, Esquire, in his nice suit and tie, eating an ice cream cone with her in the middle of a weekday. Zoe took a photo when she knew he wasn’t paying attention, uploading it to instagram immediately with the caption “Lunch and ice cream with my favorite guy.” 

It was kind of a fuck you to Connor, but. Well. 

Fuck him. 

Her dad drove them home, turning off NPR and letting Zoe put on the local alternative station. He even hummed along when the radio played an older Fall Out Boy song that he probably recognized from Zoe and Connor’s shared obsession a few years before. 

When they got home, Zoe and her dad sat in the living room, and her dad switched on the TV. “Oh.  _ Titanic’s _ on.”

Zoe smiled. It was a running joke in their family for years that whenever  _ Titanic _ was on television, they’d leave it on. It got all of them (even Connor, though he would deny it if anyone called him on it). They’d be doing laundry, homework, just flicking through channels and suddenly they had wasted four hours watching a ship sink. 

Her dad kept the movie on, sitting next to her on the couch. They didn’t talk, except to make the same jokes they always made about the movie – “Oh, man, I hope the boat doesn’t sink this time” and “You know they both could have fit on the door” and the awkward reminder of the fact that some distant relative had intended to purchase a third class ticket for the voyage but got their visa denied – and Zoe let herself start to finally relax. 

“Zoe,” He said when the movie went to commercial just after the ship struck the iceberg. “I am so sorry for what happened yesterday.”

Zoe nodded awkwardly. “Not your fault.” Her parents had already disposed of the destroyed chair. All evidence swept away overnight.

“What he did… it’s inexcusable.” 

“I know.”

“I just want to make sure that… that you’re okay,” Her dad said, setting a hand awkwardly on her shoulder. “You… should feel safe in your own house, Zoe. I’m sorry that you didn’t. I’m sorry I let this happen.”

“I’m fine,” Zoe said, feeling suddenly supremely un-fine. “He was just pissed… I shouldn’t have teased him. It was…” And then she was crying. And her dad put an arm around her, letting her cry. “That. It was really scary.”

“I know.”

“I thought he was going to break down my door. I thought he was going to kill me.”

“I know.”

“Why does he have to be like this?” Zoe sobbed. “He used to be fine… why is he like this? Why does he hate me?”

Her dad didn’t have an answer. He just stroked her hair and told her it would be okay. He would fix it. It was going to be okay. 

For once, Zoe believed him. 

Her mom got home around five o’clock, and Zoe sat between them while they finished watching  _ Titanic _ . Her mom tutted when Jack and Rose didn’t both climb onto the door, and then stood up to start making dinner. Some vegan noodle thing that Zoe found she actually kind of liked. They chatted all through dinner about Zoe going to music camp, and about how one of her friends from school had asked her to see a movie this weekend. It was nice. 

It almost felt right, sitting there, just the three of them. Zoe even caught her dad giving her mom an unexpected kiss before she headed up to bed. 

Zoe let herself imagine life like this all of the time. A Connor-free life. It was nice.

Connor stayed away all summer. 

Things got worse when he got back.

* * *

 

She and Connor had a system that started when he got back from Colorado after Spring Break. 

The system was that they didn’t let their dad know what queer shenanigans his kids got up to because of his barely hidden homophobia, so they’d always be on the lookout if the other had their significant other over.  Which meant doing a lot of things like bounding up the stairs shouting things like “RED ALERT” and “INCOMING” so they would know to stop, like, holding hands with their partner or whatever. It wasn’t like either of them were stupid enough to try to get away with having sex with people at home.  

Sometimes, it made Zoe laugh. Like the time Connor totally wiped out at the top of the steps in his haste to warn Zoe that Larry was home, and she and Alana found him just sort of laying on the floor facedown. 

“Whatcha doing?” Zoe had asked. 

“Parkour,” Connor grumbled, rolling his eyes as he stood up. “Also dad’s home.”

Other times, it just. 

Really seriously bummed Zoe out. 

“Dad’s home,” Zoe had said, standing in the doorway of Connor’s bedroom. “And dinner’s ready.” Connor gave Evan a nervous smile, then nodded at Zoe, and the three of them went down together.

Halfway through dinner, Zoe watched, horrified, as her dad suddenly announced that he thought it was weird that Connor stayed over at Evan’s house all of the time. 

With Evan at the table, a forkful of salad halfway to his mouth. 

“Dad what the fuck?” Connor had said, glaring at him. 

“I just don’t remember having quite so many slumber parties at your age,” Zoe watched her dad say. “It’s just not something that guys do.”

Zoe’s eyes darted to her mom, trying to plead silently for her to step in, but before anything could happen Evan was on his feet suddenly, his mouth moving so fast he was stumbling over his words, stuttering out a thankyoufordinnerbutIshouldreallygetgoing. 

“Evan, please, you don’t have to go anywhere-” Her mom tried. 

“I’msorryIjustI’msorryIhavetogo-”

Larry had rolled his eyes and Connor stood up and Zoe realized he was somehow taller than their dad now, and that was when her mom stood up too, and Zoe locked eyes with Evan and apparently they had some sort of bisexual mindmeld because they both hurried out of the dining room to throw on coats and shoes. 

“Are you okay?” Zoe asked. 

Evan nodded, then shook his head, looking anxiously back at the dining room where they could both hear Connor telling their dad to stop being a “homophobic piece of shit.”

“We can’t leave him in there,” Evan said to Zoe. 

“You’re right,” She said, jaw clenched tightly. “Stay here.”

“No, I mean, Zoe, I-”

But she silenced him with a look. 

Larry was up in Connor’s face now, shouting something about being disrespectful in front of a guest and Connor didn’t even flinch, didn’t move, didn’t budge. Her mom was trying to pull her dad away from Connor, but Larry was too busy carrying on about Connor embarrassing him and Zoe stepped up. 

It was stupid to think about softball in this moment, but that’s where her mind went. She had played, one season, in second grade. She was good but didn’t like it and quit after one year. But she always had such crazy nerves when she stepped up to the plate. She had great aim for an eight year old; she never struck out once all season. 

She hoped she wouldn’t strike out here. 

Zoe stepped up. She grabbed Connor by the elbow and yanked him away from her dad. Connor looked surprised as Zoe shouted at their dad, telling him to shut up and towing Connor out of the room. She ushered him and Evan out the door and into her car, talking fast. 

“I’ll drop you guys off at Evan’s, I’ll go home and handle this.”

“No, Zoe, you don’t have to do that,” Connor said, looking surprised. “That is not your job.”

“I fucking know that,” She said, backing out of the driveway. “But… It’s not just about you, you know. I’m… I don’t want him pulling this on Alana either, you know? I’ve got. It’s not just for you.”

Connor nodded. When she dropped them off at Evan’s house, Connor caught her eye. “Thank you.”

She nodded. 

And drove home, drumming her hands on the steering wheel. 

She was pissed at her dad. 

And she was scared that things would never get better between them. 

When she got home, her mom was sitting at the dinner table still, looking forlornly at the lovely meal that hardly anyone had eaten. “Mom?”

Her mom looked up then. “Zoe. Sweetheart. I’m so sorry…”

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Why are you sorry? Dad’s the one being a jackass.”

Her mom shook her head. “You shouldn’t… neither of you should have to put up with this nonsense coming from your dad. I don’t… He wasn’t like this, before. He never cared about your Auntie Chris or any of our other friends… I didn’t marry a homophobe, Zoe, but somehow I live with one.”

Zoe swallowed hard. “So. You know. About Alana and me?”

Her mom smiled sheepishly. “Believe it or not, I do pay attention.”

“And you’re… you’re just. Okay with it?”

Her mom smiled, though it looked a little pained. “Sweetheart, if it makes you happy, then I’m happy.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”   


Her mom shrugged. “I guess I just… I hoped you would tell me when you were ready. And we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want, honey. I just. I love you, and I know, and I’m so proud of you.”

“For what?” Zoe said, bewildered. “I didn’t even do anything.”

“I’m just proud of you for being you.”

That was the sort of shit her mom was always saying lately. Zoe didn’t know if she was allowed to be annoyed, since it seemed to develop after Connor spent the better part of six months trying to kill himself. 

“I’m not depressed mom,” Zoe muttered. 

“I know,” Her mom said, smiling at her. “I know.”

“Is dad in his office?” Zoe asked, straightening her shoulders. Her mom nodded. “Don’t… worry if you hear yelling,” Zoe said, almost embarrassed. “I… I’ve got a few things to say.”

Her mom nodded, giving her an encouraging smile. “I’m here if you need me. Or even if you just want some company.”

Zoe nodded. Held her head up higher. And marched to her dad’s home office, wrapping on the door and waiting for him to answer. 

He did, looking weary. He had a drink in his hand already. His tie was loose. Zoe could see up close that he had massive bags under his eyes. 

She didn’t like seeing her dad like this. She much preferred him in a suit, smiling, bragging about her to the neighbors. 

Zoe pushed that aside. “I need to talk to you.”

He pulled the door open. Zoe followed him into the office, having a seat in the arm chair that was kept in this room for no discernable reason. She never saw her dad use it; he was always at the desk. He sat there now, turning his expensive, ergonomic office chair so he was looking at her. 

Zoe cleared her throat. She looked down at her jeans, suddenly embarrassed at the way she had distractedly doodled hundreds of stars on the cuffs when she was restless in History earlier. “What happened at dinner tonight was not okay,” She said after a pregnant pause. Zoe raked a hand through her hair. Her dad didn’t move or react in any way. “That was beyond uncool, dad.”

He didn’t meet her eye. He took a drink. Zoe could see the gears in his head turning, the way he was trying to find a way to explain it to her, make her see it his way. She didn’t even think it was malicious; her dad was just the sort of person who wanted answers. He tried to make the pieces of every puzzle fit. 

But she couldn’t wait around for a justification. “I… You know Alana?”

“Yeah, she’s been around for dinner,” Her dad said, frowning, clearly thrown off track. “She’s. Intense.”

“She’s my girlfriend,” Zoe said, hating the way her voice shook. 

“Yes, I said I’d met her at dinner-”

“Nobody uses ‘girlfriend’ to mean friend-who-is-a-girl anymore, dad,” Zoe said impatiently. “She is my girlfriend. We’re dating. I’m dating a girl.”

Her dad’s expression didn’t change for a long moment. Then he frowned. “If this is about your brother…”

Zoe shook her head. “You know, not everything is about him. Not everything is his fault.”

Larry took another drink. 

“I’m bi. At least I’m pretty sure. So I would really appreciate it if you didn’t get all homophobic in front of me or my friends.”

“Evan’s not-”

“Evan’s my friend too,” Zoe said, like she was issuing a challenge. “So. Please be respectful.”

Her dad took another swallow of his drink, then set the glass down on his desk. “I didn’t know.”

“Me either. I figured it out in December.”

“I’m sorry.”

Zoe shook her head. “You should be.” She sighed, feeling, just, empty. “When did we stop being on each other’s team?”

Her dad looked confused. 

“You and me. We’ve been… we were close. We were tight. You’d brag about me whenever I stopped by your office, and I’d brag to all of my friends about my cool dad. We’d… watch  _ Titanic.  _ You took me for ice cream when Drew Patterson ditched me for the Homecoming dance. Why aren’t we on the same side anymore?”   


Her dad sighed. “Zoe… of course we are.”

“No, we’re _not_ ,” She said, shaking her head. “You’re angry at me. You’re angry because I’m talking to Connor again, and that’s… it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair of you to make me pick between you.”

“That’s… that’s not what I’m doing,” Her dad said, helplessly. 

“Bullshit,” Zoe said, annoyed to hear her voice shaking. “You’re boxing me out. We don’t talk anymore. Ever since September -”

“Zoe, please -”

“Ever since the day that we found him, you don’t talk to me anymore. We don’t do things together. You’re here, physically, but you’re not here. You’ve just. You’re checked out and the only times you come back, all you do is make me and Connor feel shitty. It’s not fair. What did we do to you, huh? What did I do to make you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you, sweetheart, I love you,” Her dad said, looking at her, lost, like she was speaking an alien language. “I’m so sorry that you feel this way.”

But Zoe wasn’t finished. She was tired of hiding behind the words she wasn’t saying. “Is it because I got him down and called 911?” She asked. 

“No, of course not.”

“I know… I know you hate him,” Zoe went on, “I know that. I thought I did too… maybe I really did. I dunno. But I… He’s my brother. He’s a fuckup and a drug addict and he’s really fucking mean sometimes, but he’s the only brother I’ve got. So I don’t think it’s fair of you to be angry that I didn’t let him die, okay?”

“Sweetheart… that’s not. I’m-I’m not angry. I…” He put his face in his hands. “Your brother and I… we. It’s. It’s… difficult, for us. For me. He and I… we don’t…” Her dad stopped, looking up at her, his face less closed off than she was used to seeing it. He looked… sad. He looked crushed. “Zoe, I’m not angry at you for getting him down. I’m so proud of you for acting so quickly when I was frozen. I wish I had done what you did.” He cleared his throat awkwardly, looking away. “I… I know how close you kids used to be. I thought, maybe, I was… that  _ I _ was the issue. So I wanted to. Give you two. Space.”

“ _Space_ ,” Zoe repeated dully. “This isn’t… this isn’t space. This is acting like we’re not here.”

Her dad frowned. Had he always looked this tired? Like the tiredness was baked into his bones, into the lines in his face. 

“I… I’ve never been good. With Connor.”

“No shit,” Zoe said, almost laughing. 

“Language.”

“Dad. Come on.”

He sighed. 

“So you’re not good with Connor,” Zoe pressed. 

“I’m not. He’s… I dunno. He’s different. He’s always been different. I never… I never say or do anything right with him.”

“Yeah, well, me either,” Zoe said, shaking her head. “But I’m trying. And, I know this might, like, be weird… but I think it’s working. I think… I think we might be. Like. Friends again. Or at least. At least friendly.”

“I don’t… I don’t know how to be okay with him. Being…”

“...Gay?” Zoe supplied. 

“No, it’s not… I mean. I never pictured… When he was born, I thought. Things were falling into place. How they were supposed to be. And then, I dunno, he just. He’s…” Her dad shrugged again, like he just couldn’t come up with any words to describe Connor. “Everything is a problem with him, everything is so much work. And it’s not fair to you, to have to see that, see how much time we have to devote to just… just keeping him alive.”

“You think I don’t know how unfair it is?” Zoe said. “Of course I know. But… I don’t…”

“You know what they’ve diagnosed him with, don’t you?”

Zoe shook her head. She didn’t know. She’d never asked.

“Borderline Personality Disorder.” Her dad smiled ruefully. 

“I don’t… So what?” Zoe said, trying to remember the difference between the different kinds of personality disorders from her psychology class. 

“They don’t know what causes it, but they suspect… harmful childhood experiences… bad parenting.” Her dad kept smiling that unhappy, fake smile. “So. I did this. I did this to him.”

“That’s… _stupid_ ,” Zoe said. “You just said they don’t know what causes it!”

“Well I can’t imagine anything I did when he was growing up helped…” Her dad’s hands curled into fists. “I taught him how to throw a punch, I told him not to be such a sissy and then I had the nerve to be surprised when he took me seriously.” He shook his head. “I wanted to protect you from him, and I made it worse.”

“Protect me?” Zoe repeated, her throat tight. “Don’t you care that they way you treat him hurts me too?”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Zoe. I wanted to… to protect you.”

“From what? From _Connor_? From the world? What the hell are you protecting me from, because I don’t feel very protected!”

“From… from everything! I never wanted to see you hurt. I never wanted any of this to hurt you. To affect you. I just wanted you to have a normal life… I didn’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”

Zoe didn’t know when she had started crying, but suddenly she was aware that she had stopped. “That’s. That’s garbage. Bullshit. That’s… you don’t get to let yourself off of the hook like that!”

“I don’t know what else to do!”

“You could at least try! You owe us… you could at least try.” Zoe stood up, and stomped from the room. Her mom looked at her apprehensively. 

Zoe threw herself into her mom’s open arms. “I hate him,” She cried, because for a least a minute, it was true. 

“It’s okay,” Her mom said. “It’ll all be okay.”

“Did he…did he really make Connor sick?”

Her mom sighed. “I don’t know sweetheart. I don’t think we really understand what made him sick.”

“I told him… I told him about Alana…” She sniffed. “I don’t even think he was mad, I don’t… I don’t know.”

Her mom stroked her hair. They sat on the couch together, just the two of them.

“Sweetheart, what do you need?” Her mom asked after a while. 

Zoe sighed. She shrugged. “Why… why didn’t you and dad ever split up? I remember, when I was a kid, you were always talking about that.”

Her mom gave her a watery smile. “I guess… I guess I’ve just always hoped we would figure things out.”

* * *

Her mom wouldn’t quit fussing over her hair. Her dad was frowning slightly in the corner. Connor wasn’t there; her parents had sent him away to rehab this time. Zoe was, honestly, relieved that he wasn’t around to see this.

She had a date. 

She had been stupid enough to mention the date at dinner, and suddenly her parents had morphed into some sort of Brady Bunch bullshit uber-parents. It wasn’t even the first date she had ever gone on. Some part of Zoe thought that maybe her parents were just, like, clinging on to anything even remotely normal that was happening. 

Her mom took her out to get her hair done during the day. Zoe had gotten a trim, and refreshed the streaks of indigo she had done herself over spring break. 

She wasn’t even, like, that excited for the date. Jordan was the year above her in school and he played keyboard in jazz band. He sucked. Zoe, in fact, told him that when she got a little drunk at the first party she ever went to after a concert. But, she’d ran into him when she was getting frozen yogurt a few weeks back with Sabrina Patel and he’d asked her to go grab dinner sometime. 

And now her parents were fretting like this was some Big Fucking Deal, and they got all pissy because Zoe told them, you know, it’s not a Big Fucking Deal, and she was sort of half hoping they would ground her because Jordan had texted her some questionable emojis and she would honestly love to get out of hanging out, but her parents had no business grounding her for being mouthy when, you know, her brother had gotten caught snorting oxy, like, several times before they even bothered to punish him. 

“Zo,” Her dad said, motioning her to follow him into his office. Zoe rolled her eyes and followed, not sure what to make of him pulling her aside. 

“What’s up?” She crossed her arms over her chest. She kept trying to decide if she needed to change her top. “If you’re going to try to give me some kind of sex talk, I swear to god I will throw up.”

“What? No!” Her dad said, face immediately going pink. 

“Because mom and I did that whole song and dance when I got my first period, and I really don’t want to relive that -”

“Zoe, no,” Her dad said, clearing his throat awkwardly. “I just. Here.” He shoved some money into her hand. 

“Dad,” Zoe said, disgusted. “I don’t need this. I have, like, allowance.”

“I know,” he said, sighing. “It’s… it’s been a tough summer, for you especially, and I want to make sure that you have a nice time. So. Please. Have fun.”

“You can’t just buy me off,” Zoe said, narrowing her eyes. “Sixty bucks isn’t going to make me forget that my psychopath brother is in rehab.”

“I know,” Her dad said, his smile sagging. He looked old then. Like actually old, not just dad-old. It made her hate Connor for putting those lines on his face. It made her feel bad to saying anything about it. “I don’t want to do that. I… You’re young. These are the times you’re meant to go out and have fun and not worry about stuff at home. So. Have fun and let me worry about stuff with your brother.”

Zoe stared at him suspiciously. “Is he getting kicked out of rehab? Is that what the bribe is for?”

“No,” He said bitterly. “Not yet at least.” Her dad rubbed his eyes. “I’m… Look, Zoe. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through any of this. You deserve so much better.”

“Not your fault,” Zoe mumbled, not even sure if she actually believed that. 

“More mine than yours,” Her dad said. 

They heard the doorbell ring. Her mom yelled, “ZOE YOUR DATE IS HERE!” from the other room. 

“I… I gotta go,” Zoe said. She pocketed the we-still-love-you-bribe. 

“Have fun, sweetheart.”

 

She didn’t. Jordan spent the whole dinner talking loudly, with his mouth full, about this band he had started with some buddies over the summer. He hardly let her get a word in edgewise, and then after monopolizing the conversation he insisted they go dutch because she had gotten a tea with her meal and he had gotten a water. 

Not that, like, Zoe thought a date with a boy meant she ought to get free food out of it… But just. Since he hadn’t let her talk, like, once. 

As they were walking out of the restaurant, Zoe spotted Brian Harris and Josh Clark getting out of Brian’s car with a few other juniors. 

“Hey, look, it’s Zoe Murphy!” Josh said, nudging Brian. “How’s it going, Zoe?”

“Fine,” She said, suspiciously. Zoe looked to Jordan, annoyed to see him high fiving one of the other guys who had gotten out of the car. “Jordan was just taking me home…”

“Bro, you hitting that?” Brian said, laughing. Jordan’s face flushed. “Careful man. Crazy runs in her family.”

“What did you say?” Zoe said, rounding on Brian. 

His big, cocky smile flickered for a minute. “I just… Well, I mean, come on. You know… you know what your brother is like.”

Zoe smiled wolfishly at him. “Yeah. I do.” She straightened her shoulders. “Ski trip was fun last year, right? Tell me, does toilet paper taste as good as it looks?”

Brian’s smile evaporated. All of his friends turned to look at him, eyebrows raised, waiting. 

“Come on Jordan. I want to go home.”

“Yeah, alright,” He said, waving to the other guys and following Zoe to his car. He got into the driver’s seat, frowning while he fiddled with the radio. “Why’d you say that to Brian?”

Zoe shrugged. “He was pissing me off.” 

“Yeah, well, now he’s all pissed off at you.”

Zoe shifted her jaw. “I’m not afraid of Brian Harris.”

“He could, like, make stuff really shitty for you at school and whatever…”   


“Our parents are friends,” Zoe snapped. 

“Jesus, sorry.”

“Just. Can you just drop me off at my house?”

“Yeah, great,” Jordan said, taking a turn too sharply. He dropped her off in front of her house, not even bothering to pull into the driveway. 

“Thanks,” Zoe mumbled, and Jordan took off before she even finished shutting the door. “Motherfucker.” Zoe pulled out her phone, texting Sabrina to tell her her date with Jordan was a total bust and that, of course, it was her fucking brother’s fault. Zoe threw her phone into her purse, barging into the house loudly to make sure she announced her presence in case today was the one time a year her parents actually had sex. 

“You’re home early,” Her dad’s voice said from the living room. “ _Really_ early. Everything okay?”

Zoe followed her dad’s voice to the living room where she threw herself on the other side of the couch. “Total bust. All he did was talking about himself.”

Her dad frowned. “I’m sorry.” 

Zoe shrugged. “I didn’t even like him that much anyway. He sucks at piano.”

Her dad smiled at her. Zoe looked at the TV; it was playing commercials. “Did you save room for dessert? There’s some ice cream in the freezer.”

Zoe eyed him suspiciously. “Real dairy?”   


He nodded. “Ben and Jerry’s. I think we’re not Buddhists anymore.”

“Thank god.”

“Finally.”

They shared a smile. Zoe looked back at the TV while her dad disappeared into the kitchen. “What are you watching?”

Her dad smiled sheepishly as he reappeared with a pint of Half Baked and two spoons. “Well.  _ Titanic _ just started.” 

Zoe smiled. Not such a bad day. 

* * *

“Come over after school?” Zoe gripped the strap of her guitar case, standing beside Alana’s locker.

“I…” Alana’s face pinched for a second, and Zoe knew she was doing the math to determine if she could actually afford to do that. “Okay. I have to get up a little early to tutor tomorrow, so I can’t stay out too late.”

Zoe smiled, nodding. “Okay.” She offered Alana her hand and Alana took it immediately. 

“Will Connor be home?” Alana asked. 

Zoe shrugged. “I’m not sure. Either way, I don’t think we’ll need a lookout anymore.”

Alana’s eyebrows shot up. 

“I came out to my parents,” Zoe said, shrugging, like it was no big deal, like this was nothing. 

“How did that go? Did they take it okay?”

Zoe smiled. “My mom already knew. And well… Larry can deal with his issues on his own, I guess.”

Alana’s smile sagged a little. “I’m sorry.”

Zoe shook her head. “I refuse to let him rain on my parade. My girlfriend’s coming over. This is a good thing.”

Zoe actually ended up being mostly right. Her mom had baked cookies right as Zoe and Alana got to the house. Real cookies too, with gluten and everything. " Does this mean we can have bread back?” Zoe asked. 

Her mom pursed her lips. “I suppose so. I’ll add it to my shopping list. I really had high hopes for the elimination diet working out…”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “My mom decided that gluten was the thing making Connor crazy.”

Alana’s face froze for a second, then she said, “I… There’s been studies that link celiac’s disease and depression?” 

“That’s what I said!” Zoe’s mom said triumphantly. 

“Connor doesn’t have celiac’s disease, mom,” Zoe said, shaking her head. 

“Well I know that  _ now _ .”

“Pretty sure we knew that already, seeing as, like, our cousin Josh has had it since he was a kid,” Zoe stage whispered to Alana, who smiled back shyly. “Meanwhile Connor eats pizza basically every time he stays at Evan’s and never gets any better or worse mood wise. He’s an asshole no matter what.”

Her mom frowned a little at that, but honestly, Zoe meant it almost… affectionately. Like. Genuinely. 

Zoe and Alana camped out at the kitchen table, making pleasant, normal conversation with her mom, and everything was. Fine. Okay. 

* * *

“Do you ever think about how, like, inappropriate it is that we’ve seen this movie like hundreds of times?” Connor said, throwing himself on the couch about ten minutes after Zoe had quietly decided to leave  _ Titanic  _ on the television. Things at home were… tense. Tense as hell. Connor hadn’t gotten into the college he wanted, then Larry caught him and Evan kissing, and Connor and Zoe had spent the last few days walking on eggshells, waiting for the inevitable explosion. So far, nothing. So Zoe let herself watch TV instead of being a responsible person.

“It’s pretty fucked,” Zoe said. “It’s probably why we’re both so queer. That nude scene. It broke us.”

“Right?” Connor said, chuckling. He kept his eyes fixed on the television. Zoe realized with a start that Rose was already running to throw herself off of the ship, and suddenly, it seemed insanely inappropriate to be watching this movie with her brother. Just as Rose climbed over the railing, Zoe picked up the remote, changing the channel abruptly to the weather. 

Connor turned to look at her sharply. “Everything okay?”

“I don’t feel like watching it.”

Connor blinked, surprised. “But. We always watch it when it’s on.”

“I just don’t feel like it,” She said, flipping through the channels again. “I just…” Zoe said, and she realized her hands were shaking. “I don’t…. Like. Thinking about that stuff.”

Connor looked confused. “What stuff…?” But then he frowned, his mind obviously clicking the pieces into place. “She doesn’t do it, Zo.”

“Yeah but she thinks about it,” Zoe said. “She tries to…”

“Happens to the best of us,” Connor muttered, looking her dead in the eye. “It’s just a movie.” He leaned over, stealing the remote back and switching the channel. Jack was just pulling Rose back over the side. “

“Connor, seriously, I don’t think we should-”

“What’s he doing?” her dad’s voice interrupted before Zoe could finished. He sounded exhausted, frustrated, annoying all in one breath. Just so done before he even knew what was happening.

“ _ Noth _ ing,” Connor said, irritable, dropping the remote. “I just was…  _ Titanic’s  _ on.”

Zoe saw their dad smile. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” Zoe said dully. “Rose just didn’t kill herself.”

“Great. I’ll make popcorn,” Her dad said bustling out of the room. 

Zoe shot a look at Connor who shrugged back at her. “Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“It’s super weird that this is favorite movie, right?”

“Maybe he just likes to be reminded that somethings are bigger disasters than me,” Connor said, and Zoe snorted. 

Her dad came back with popcorn and had a seat next to Zoe, situating himself between her and Connor. “What did I miss?” He asked. 

“Rose lied to Cal about how Jack saved her, and then Lovejoy was all ‘you took off your jacket and your shoes, that’s weird,’” Connor answered, doing a passable impression of Lovejoy’s voice. 

Her dad smiled. He offered Connor some popcorn, then offered some to Zoe. They sat there, all three of them, just watching the stupid movie. Zoe had to hide a smile when she caught Connor’s lips moving along with the actors’ lines. 

It was. Nice. 

“Oh, nice, speed up when you get an ice warning,” their dad said, rolling his eyes. 

“I mean, they’re already floating a massive middle finger at every imaginable higher power. Might as well screw themselves over as fast as they can,” Connor said. 

“I saw a video once where they counted all of the times that Jack and Rose say each other’s names,” Zoe said, “And I think it was well into the 200s.”

“Sounds like a fatal drinking game,” Her dad said, and Connor snorted. 

“Play a lot of drinking games, Larry?” Connor said, but it wasn’t his typical caustic tone. He sounded like he joking. Zoe laughed, uncomfortable, but then her dad laughed too. 

“How do you think the casting call for Old Lady Rose went? Like, hey we need someone to play a one hundred year old who still has it together in her mind and was sexy eighty four years ago.”

“Kate Winslet in this movie, though, man,” Connor said. “Like.  _ Damn _ .”

Zoe shot a confused look over at her brother, noticing too late that their dad was looking too. 

“She’s, like, _objectively_ hot,” Connor muttered defensively. “I’m not _blind_ just because I have a boyfriend.”

Zoe held her breath, waiting for the fall out, waiting for the explosion. 

Instead her dad kind of chuckled.

And Zoe could breathe a little bit easier. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Foreign Girls" from Bleachers.


End file.
